“No more bad news from the North. Leave it to the barbarians, write no more reports on it, and I assure you, the Crown will forget it exists.”
“Governor Willoughby of the East India Company. Last I checked, Northern India was still part of India.”
“But even you do not know the region’s name! London would never miss it.”
“Fine message that sends to your subjects. Can’t even put down a few turbaned marauders.”
“Not a few, Duke. Hordes. Endless hordes pouring from the mountains and jungles.”
“Very biblical of you.”
“See this cacophonous scribbling of ink here? This is Corporal Martin’s artistic rendition of his enemies as they swarmed through his ranks.”
“The same Corporal Martin executed for desertion while trying to flee Calcutta?”
“Evidently he must have been terribly impressed if he went from my office to Calcutta’s port in less than a week.”
“Evidently the Governor of Bengal needs a tighter rein on his beasts.”
“There’s beasts, and then there’s beasts. We have the oxen in line from coast to coast.”
“Ask your average Londoner, and the animal of India is the tiger, not the ox.”
“Harris, I requested Redcoats for this task.”
“You have an army. Tens of thousands are no match for your Northern tiger?”
“Every force of natives deployed beyond our forts has been shipped back in carts, if indeed they come back at all.”
“Sounds like a failure of leadership.”
“Or a failure of soldiery! Tiger cubs cannot beat the mother!”
“Since when have you been so prosey.”
“Good, hard, English force failed in America and now it fails in the North. Maybe we should be a bit more French.”
“And we all know how they fared against good, hard, English force.”
“But perhaps they would do better against Prince Ajitabh. More lace on the uniforms. Might mistake them for exotic plants.”
“I imagine your Prince knows his foliage from his French.”
“He better. They supplied him with his guns, powder, shot, even cannon.”
“Thankfully they are far too engaged to currently provide further aid.”
“Not that it matters. Every doomed man we send is another gun in his hands.”
“Now he has many hands. How very Shivan of him.”
“You are a positive riot, Harris.”
“And what you have is a positive riot up there.”

“Then send me Redcoats.”
“You seem to be wearing a perfectly nice one right now…Don’t look so cross, just a spot of fun.”
“It’s neither fun nor funny. You sailed six months from Westminster to tell bad jokes?”
“I sailed six months from Westminster to inform you that we are granting your request.”
“Of expanding my wardrobe?”
“Now who’s telling bad jokes.”
“I am getting a Company then?”
“A Troop. Fifty strong.”
“Fifty? You are sending me fifty men?”
“Fifty strong, so probably a few more.”
“Three thousand men could not oust Ajitabh!”
“These are not Indians, not even Redcoats.”
“More riddles and jokes.”
“Tell me Governor. Have you ever heard of the Hellcoats?”
“Doesn’t strike a chord…should I have?”
“His Majesty’s Sixth Foot Brigade, Sixth Regiment, Sixth Battalion. Six hundred and sixty-six of the meanest lads from Scotland, Ireland, and England that can be stuffed into uniform and trusted with a musket in hand.”
“A bit sinister for our King?”
“They unbalanced France in the Colonies, enabling our later victories there. That was in ’59. From ’60 until ’63, they kept Frederick in the war. After which th-“
“Frederick? Frederick II? Of Prussia? But we had no troops on the Continent.”
“Oh didn’t we?”
“Hm. I see. Well, continue. After which?”
“After which, the Hellcoats returned to America in their War of Independence.”
“Fat lot of help they were.”
“If we had three more Hellcoat battalions, the war would have been ours within two years. Since then they have been deployed on various operations throughout Britain, maintaining the peace.”
“What distinguishes your miracle soldiers from the rest of the army other than their name?”
“Tactics, weaponry, discipline, the lot of it. At Freiberg, for instance, they mingled with Prussian infantry, presented a weak center, and allowed an Imperial grenadier charge. As soon as the grenadiers closed distance, Hellcoats leapt from the ranks, and the last place you want to be against a Hellcoat is within arm’s reach. In all of a few minutes, they reversed the charge, leaving a gaping hole in the Imperial ranks. The ensuing reforming of the Imperial line left the southern flank weakened; ultimately the cause of Frederick’s victory.”
“Ajitabh does not stand on the field of battle.”
“At Germantown, the American’s attacked through the fog. While Continental and Redcoat fired line to line, Hellcoat elements slipped through the fog. They hit the Americans from their flanks, from their rears, from everywhere and anywhere, forcing two separate brigades to reorganize to fight the threat. The Hellcoats disappeared into the fog again, the two brigades now facing each other. You can imagine what happens next as they load, cock, pull the trigger, and bang bang bang, out goes entire lines of Americans to their own shot.”
“They fight like the savages.”
“Well, they are. British savages, but savages nonetheless. Rough and tumble stock, all of them.”
“Who control such a rabble?”
“A Captain, the one we are sending you, along with fifty of his finest, or should I say nastiest, veterans.”
“And that is?”
“The best man for the job. Captain Thomas Lardner.”

“Lardner? Never heard of the family.”
“You would not have. They were not noble stock even before they left for America.”
“Mere common folk then?”
“What good soldier isn’t? Quite an odd story to this one though. Refused to leave with his family for Philadelphia, snuck aboard a vessel bound for Hong Kong, and at the age of seventeen, wandered around the Orient for a time. I hear he got as far as Japan. Returns to England when he is twenty-one and enlists. Learned a trick or three out in the East. Damn good soldier, and he gets rewarded for that. By the start of the Seven-Years War, he already has his own Troop. Within a year, that becomes a Battalion, and it is only by coincidence that it was the sixth battalion in the sixth regiment of the sixth brigade. Or, destiny, as his commanding officer put it.”
“So you are sending your shining star Captain to the tigers of Lahore for what reason?”
“I thought you didn’t remember the region’s name.”
“Damnit. Don’t remind London.”
“Rest assured.”
“So why? It’s murder up there, and you know that.”
“Our brilliant Captain made a bit of a social blunder in America. One Colonel Tarleton made a foolish tactical decision at Cowpens, doomed his men to be sure. The Captain ignored the order to take the battlefield, pulled out his men and anyone within earshot, and narrowly escaped the America counterattack. Naturally, he saved hundreds. But it was insubordination at its clearest, and once the war was lost, the maneuver was an obvious scapegoat.”
“So he made some enemies.”
“A few more than ‘some.’”
“Can this man be trusted to adhere to orders?”
“No. But he can be trusted to slay your tiger.”
“Well, we can make do with that I suppose.”
“Trust me my friend. In one month time he will sail into your harbor. It will be January. By next Christmas, I promise you on my reputation and honesty as a gentleman, the region will be pacified, the Prince will be dead, and the glory will be yours.”
“And if not?”
“Captain Lardner is not the only man with some enemies in London. I assure you, if he cannot handle the task, both you and I will have other matters to worry about.”
“How cheerful.”

Upon Continuation…
Hellcoats in Bombay